waikiki4mel

As we all know, the over 40’s are the demographic that has taken over Facebook. No longer cool with teens, Facebook is the place where middle-aged women brag about their overseas holidays, take ‘toefies’* and feel some quiet satisfaction at how much better we look than our ex-boyfriends.

So safe to say we are all over Facebook like an 8 year old is all over Minecraft. But, my social media loving friends, are you insane about Instagram, pining over Pinterest, googling Google Plus…ok- no one is doing that last one (are they?)

Well fear not, I am here to give you my (un)official guide to starting an Instagram account on the other side of forty (as told by someone who barely knows what she’s doing but acts like she does!)

Firstly, you need a profile photo and a punchy tagline- I suggest a blurry black and white selfie, with something along the lines of “mumma, green smoothie lover, wellness warrior and chain smoker” because a certain aura of mystery will make more people want to follow you.  You will also need a cool name that will attract people to your account (@iloveryangosling was already taken, so I just went with @meljeffcott #boring).

Then you need to add some ‘interesting’ and ‘inspiring’ photos to make it look as if your life is healthier, more spiritual, and all round better than all of your friends (in this regard it is quite similar to Facebook). For example the beautiful photo above may make you feel simultaneously jealous and impressed at my superior photo skills, #missionaccomplished. Oh sorry, did I fail to mention that it was taken by my photographer sister Natalie on her holiday to Hawaii that had nothing to do with me? #mybad.

If you are having trouble thinking of what to post, never fear, here are some fail safe ideas-feel free to plagiarise and watch the likes come rolling in:

  • A close up photo of your healthy breakfast bowl of acai, buckinis, chia seeds, raw cacao, lucuma, bee pollen, and hemp seeds (just no goji berries- they are so 2014).
  • A photo of a beautiful beach at sunrise- with a comment such as ‘Beautiful way to start the day- feeling blessed’, which translates to your followers as,“You are such a lazy cow, still lying in bed scrolling through your Instagram feed” (bonus points for a yoga pose).
  • An inspirational quote such as ‘You were born awesome…here’s your reminder’, ‘Never let fear decide your fate’, or ‘I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them Sam I am’.

Once you have your awesome photo, you need to make it look even more awesome with an awesomely named filter…Amaro, Valencia, Sierra, Willow- no these are not stripper names, but ways for your selfie to look younger and fresher (and we all want that: amiright ladies-nudge nudge wink wink).  That is unless you hashtag the photo #nofilter, which shows everyone your photo was so awesome that it didn’t even need a filter (personally, I think that’s just showing off).
Which leads me to #hashtags, which started as a way that people with similar interests can find each other, e.g. #style, #yoga, #beardporn (yes this is really a thing, and you know you want to check it out). However, more often than not they are used to describe a state of emotion, e.g. #livingthedream, #feelingblessed, or #imacoolparentandivetotallygotthishashtagthingdown.

Don’t forget to like and comment on other peoples photos as well, because as we all know, if you don’t get likes then it means nothing. Which leads me to these words of wisdom, “Being famous on Instagram is like being rich at Monopoly.” Yeah, that’s all well and good, but I still get a thrill when that little head pops up showing me I’ve got a new follower (unless it’s a sexy Russian lady wanting to show me a good time on her webcam- what’s that all about?)

So there you go peeps, a totes amazeballs way to be a swag mama living life to the full on the other side of forty with Instagram (or just sitting on your couch with your iPhone and a cup of tea-whatevs). #yolo

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*A toefie is the middle aged equivalent of a ‘selfie’. When on an exotic holiday lounging by the pool or beach, an over 40 lady takes a photo of her perfectly pedicured ‘ageless’ toes (just don’t get anything above the knee in the frame or you’ll give the game away!)

Oh, and don’t forget to come and say hi, now I have convinced you to join Instagram!
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