The other day I added a new parenting first to my repertoire. I dropped my nearly 13 year old son to the airport for his first unaccompanied flight to go and visit his grandparents in Brisbane. As he walked down the tunnel to the plane by himself and turned back and waved and grinned at me, all I could see was the cute curly haired little toddler that he was, I don’t know… about 5 minutes ago. All he could see, stretched out before him was what he wants more than anything at the moment: FREEDOM.
Honestly, I know it is a cliche and you hear it all the time, but man those years have gone super fast. In so many ways, life is easier now than those early days eternally filled with stinky nappies, wrangling into car seats, and temper tantrums, yet in many ways it is still pretty much the same (filled with stinky sports bags, taxi driving, and the odd temper tantrum!)
Certainly for me the biggest challenge of having an almost teenager is balancing the amount of freedom that is wanted with an amount that I am comfortable with, whilst maintaining consistent and safe boundaries.
I am by no means a helicopter parent, yet I am aware that we live in very different times than when I was the same age, and I took off with my friends for most of the day with no one caring two hoots what we were up to (except maybe the guy at the local milk bar who had to put up with the agonising over which mixed lollies you were going to buy with your 50 cents…ahhh, good times!)
The thing is, I really like the idea of my son having some freedom, we live in a relatively safe area and I would far rather he took off for a bike ride around our suburb, than sit and play a violent video game. Yet letting him out the front gate is a risk, especially given that his still developing brain does not comprehend that racing your friend down the road on your bike is an incredibly unsafe thing to do. So what do you do as a parent who understands that freedom and risk are essential to development, yet you want to keep your child as safe as possible?
I know I can’t be the only one going through these sort of parenting struggles, so I thought I would provide 5 tips for how I balance freedom and responsibility for my almost teenager (most of the time- I don’t pretend to be perfect!)
- Know where they are, who they are with, and when they are expected home. Being super clear on these 3 points, means that any deviation from the expectations you have set can be dealt with.
- Most kids have a phone these days, and my rule is if I call it, you answer it. If I text you to ask you a question, you reply within a reasonable time. If not, then guess what my answer is next time you want to go to Subway with your mates?
- Get to know your kid’s friends, so that you know who they are hanging out with. Make your home a place that your kids are happy to bring friends back to (e.g. setting up a chill out zone for them to hang out in).
- Is your kid on Instagram? Ask.fm? Snapchat? Kik? No idea? Social media is a massive part of our kid’s lives now (just as it is for many of us, myself included). But to bury your head in the sand about all this stuff, serves no one well. Keep the lines of communication open, and know what they are on and using. In our house the rules are I pay for your phone, I know the passcode to your phone. I know what social media apps my son uses, and we are Instagram friends (as long as I don’t post any comments he is fine with this).
- The 3 C’s that are my main parenting go to’s are: Communication, Consistency, and Consequences. If I clearly communicate my expectations, and you don’t abide by them, then I am consistent (I mean what I say and I follow through) and there will be a consequence. Obviously consequences depend on the age of your kid and the rule that they broke (the naughty step may no longer cut it, but taking away the devices sure does!)
Kids will always want freedom as they grow older, and parents will always want to them to be responsible and keep them safe from harm. When you reframe it as a compromise rather than a battle (You might not be as responsible as I would like, but you will be ok with less freedom than you might like) then hopefully life gets a whole lot less painful (well at least until puberty hits, that’s a whole other F-word story!)
What are your thoughts on this? Do have any tips on balancing responsibility and freedom with kids? I’d love to hear your thoughts…
Lovely tips Mel. My kids are still little but I often think about how it will be when they are teens. I had way too much freedom as a teenager which definitely ended me in some interesting situations I will put behind me. I so want to get it right with my kids. Thanks for your lovely tips.
Thanks Clare, I agree that too much freedom is as bad as too little for teens. Getting the balance right is the challenge! 🙂
Having 15 year old twins, one of whom is very independent I struggle with the question of how much freedom is ok constantly!
Oh yes Ingrid, I’ve no doubt that is a constant struggle! Good luck 🙂
Some great tips here Mel. My kids are still little but I often think about how this teen phase is going to pan out and worry about it. Its such a different world now, it’s important to keep up with everything eapecially social media and keep the lines of communication open. I love the tip about ensuring you have a space at home for them to hang out. Xx
Thanks Shannon, communication is so important no matter how old your kids are, but entering the teen years is a whole new world!
As a mum to 4 and a youth worker of 20 years I hear you when to comes to trying to make good decisions about how much freedom they need as they become their own person. I think the tips you give are great and really reasonable. I think knowing your kids friends and their parents is really important and we have an open house policy where kids are always welcome here anytime. Life’s a journey and we are all learning to navigate it as we go! Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Mel xx #ultimaterabbithole
Thanks Mel, you are right about getting to know the parents of your kid’s friends as well, that’s a good point. Thanks for stopping by, x
This is a great post and I follow all of these tips – when the kids are with me. Unfortunately they don’t live with me full time and the worry when they are away from me is horrible. And putting them on that plane to go home is the worst! But they are great people and I’m so proud of how far they have come.
I can imagine that would be difficult Bronnie, but it sounds like you are doing an amazing job with your kids, x
So hard! My boy is only 3 years old but I think about how I handle the years flying by especially those teenage ones. One day at a time, lol.
Yes Karin, handling each day as it comes is pretty much what you do!
Loved this article Mel….I still think you are pretty funny!!!!xxx